A New Year has come around, which is great! It means I beat the odds once more and I lived another year like the doctors didn’t think I would. 

They basically told me in my last appointment, “You should celebrate by enjoying the holidays with your family.” I don’t know if I’m just a pissed off cancer patient and took it the wrong way, but I was really taken aback by that ignorant statement. 

I’ve said this statement before and I’ll say it again. A new year comes with a lot of questions, worries, and what-ifs. As a cancer patient, you’re always in a constant state of worry. Asking yourself if that headache is another tumor, if the heart flutters, arm pain, belly aches, or stuttering is something to worry about. Afraid to go on trips because you want to be close to your doctors, even though sometimes you kind of hate them because you don’t feel like they listen to your concerns. You feel like you’re just another one of the heads of cattle going to the slaughter, waiting for your turn. Because basically that’s what it feels like when you’re deemed a terminal cancer patient. 

I feel I’m on death row waiting for a kill date and whatever form is chosen to put me out of my misery. It’s the waiting game that’s the hardest. I know we are all dying, but some of us are dying a little bit faster and crueler than others. 

It’s been two years since I’ve been diagnosed, but it feels like I’ve had cancer forever. Sometimes I look back and I don’t remember not having cancer… I have to really think about and prod my mind for memories before cancer. It’s taken over my life and has totally encapsulated every aspect of it. I hate it with every cell in my body and the thing I hate the most is that it’s probably going to take my life. It’s caused more havoc in my life than anything— taken away my career, my ability to process speech at times, my ability to live by myself, my ability to take care of myself, my independence as a human being. 

My writing gets very deep, dark, and personal but this is my therapy. I don’t like to talk to people one on one. I get emotional just looking at this screen, typing these words and telling y’all how I truly feel. Acknowledging my feelings keeps me out of my darkest place. Cancer is a depressing disease. It makes you feel alone, like you have no one even when you have everyone. Sometimes I can be in a room full of people who are there just for me, family members, friends, co-workers or church members and feel like the loneliest person in the world. I feel lost, hopeless, depressed and not understood. That’s what cancer does to you and makes you feel all those things. 

Once you get the terminal diagnosis it just gets worse because you know you’re going to die from it and it’s just a matter of when. You see the movies when people suffer with the oxygen, the hospital beds in living rooms or can’t leave the hospitals because they’re too sick. I’ve lived and seen all of that as a nurse and family member both. You think that is what I want to look forward to? That’s what I’ve worked so hard in this life to accomplish is restless death. I do just hope I go fast with a stroke or heart attack from the cancer. I just don’t want to have a slow death. It’s been slow enough fighting this battle with this dang disease. 

I have all these emotions built up inside and I put a front on for everyone to show how strong I am! But I’m not… I’m mad, sad, hurt, and most of all depressed! It might not seem like it but this cancer has taken everything from me and my family! Life’s never going to be the same. The fight is starting to fade and it’s fading fast. 

Well BAM! Wasn’t that the most entertaining and exciting piece of writing you’ve ever read? Of course not, but it is true. Do you think I should be locked away for a couple days in a straight jacket? Sometimes I feel like it! The meaning behind my words is not to generate sympathy or make you feel bad for me because it is just the holidays. The meaning is perspective— everyone has their crap they go through. I just put mine out there so everyone can see it and maybe even understand. 

One more year has come around, so what will we do with it? In 2025, just have patience, be kind, don’t be judgmental, show more love instead of hate, and praise the Lord. Right now I need to take this advice because I have very little of each besides praising the Lord! The only reason He’s been getting a hold of me is because every time I open my phone, the scripture is right there! He’s not long letting me forget that He’s in charge of every situation. So my motto for death row 2025 is “Let go, let God.”