What a year! 

When I started 2024, I had no idea this is how 2024 would end. I definitely wouldn’t have thought that I would be writing blogs instead of seeing a therapist, but I also didn’t think I would live past a couple months of 2024. God just had other plans for me. Not fun plans, but other plans besides death, that’s for sure. 

2024 might not have been a year of health and wellness, but I can say it’s been a year of blessings. When the new year started, I didn’t know what to expect day by day, let alone the whole year. I didn’t know if the brain tumors were going to get worse or the cancer was going to spread. I had so many questions. Did the doctors have a plan if it spread or came back in my heart? What if the treatments didn’t work? My mind flooded with questions at all times. When I wasn’t thinking of questions I was doing research to try and find more chemo combos or trials that the doctors hadn’t mentioned. I was having fewer brain tumors, so the Keytruda I was on since October of 2023 was slowly working, but I felt so desperate for something more. I wanted something that wasn’t going to be questionable. 

Days passed and multiple hospital stays occurred. Increased medication dosages that made me gain 120 pounds, enough scans to get my own personal machine, and enough radiation to give me memory problems.. I was sick of it all and nervous every single second. At one time in the year, maybe around February, I really started  struggling with being mad at God. I kept asking– why me? I had dedicated my whole life to taking care of the sick and making people feel better. I was a good person, I believed. I mean, I had sin like everyone else and still do, but I thought that me and the Man Upstairs were tight. Why would He allow me to get cancer and go through this? 

The moment I found out I had cancer, I stopped going to church, I stopped praying and I cut God off completely. I didn’t stop believing in Him, but I wasn’t picking up the phone when He called, that was for sure. That right there was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. That’s why the anxiety filled my soul every waking minute. That’s why my mind and spirit got overtaken with anger, not only at God but my family, friends, random strangers, and for no reason at all. That’s when finally God said one day that He had enough. He had enough of the devil trying to consume me. 

So, He threw the Bible at me. 

The one way to grow spiritually and feel God and learn from Him is through the Word. So, I picked up the Bible and started reading. I started a Bible study app and it was over from there. I read the Bible every day, even if it’s just one scripture. I started Bible study plans to help me understand the things I go through, like depression, cancer, survivor’s guilt from losing friends from cancer, and just studying books of the Bible. Me and God have communicated more this year than ever in my life. When I say communicated, it’s been through the Holy Bible. I don’t think He’s spoken to me personally yet, but that would be awesome if He did. 

As time went on over the next couple of months, my health started to get more hairy. If you ever asked my mom when I was small, “Does Taylor always get the weird medical side effects that’s on the medicine bottles?” or if they say on TV, “It only happens in 1% of the patients that take the medicine,” she would say, “Yes,Taylor will most likely get it.” I’m that person who got the weird rashes as a kid, the bald spots when I was in the 4th grade, the tumors on my spine that’s NOT cancer, the sunburned feet during chemo… and let’s not forget the only person to get an autoimmune disease called scleroderma from Keytruda, an immunotherapy I was taking. To top it off I had to diagnose myself because none of my doctors believed me and thought that it couldn’t happen. I finally had to go to my Dermatologist to get a biopsy to confirm that I had it. Luckily I’m very persistent (aka annoying) with my doctors about my research and self-diagnoses. So, that just means I pester them until they give me the test I want to prove that I’m either right or wrong. Most of the time I’m right. I try to back up my work with research. I’m not a Doctor Google Researcher. I’ve gone to nursing school and basically have a masters (missing 12 credits), so I know how to back up my research. I did get in trouble with my doctors because they said that while I do excellent research, I need to stop and live my life and enjoy it instead of stressing myself out. But enough about that because that could be a blog all by itself. 

At that point I had almost made it to the summer. I had planned to spend my summer at the lake every weekend with friends and family– swimming, drinking mocktails (that was going to be my new thing), and soaking up the sun. Well, God had different plans. After the Keytruda caused me to develop scleroderma, I started to get more brain tumors. The doctors took me off Keytruda because of the scleroderma and the brain tumors increasing again. The plan was to get a new MRI off of Keytruda and then start a chemo pill called Temodar that specifically targets the brain. I liked the plan and was fired up for it. So fast forward to the day before the new MRI, and my brain decided to have a stroke. The whole ten yards. Face droop, speech aphasia, weakness in my right side. To the ER I went and on the helicopter I flew. (I really should get a frequent-flyer discount with Vandy for how many flights I’ve taken this year.) 

I get to Vandy and after multiple scans we find that I have three tumors, and I’m bleeding from one on my left side that’s pressing on my speech center. My speech sounded like gibberish. I stay my usual three days in the ICU (also thinking some hotel-like points would be good here), and they watch me and then send me home after the bleed slows. I usually get radiation after, but this bleed was so big it was covering the tumor and the doctor couldn’t see it clearly to radiate it. So, the plan was to wait a month and then do radiation when the bleed was reabsorbed into the brain. 

Well, you know me, I just had to show out before then. 

One night sitting at home with friends visiting, I decided that I was going to have a seizure and scare everyone. I was rushed to the hospital to learn that the tumor had grown to golf ball-size and was encapsulated. When a tumor is encapsulated, it has a fruit rind-like protection around it and is fluid filled. So, this means it can’t be radiated and the only way out is surgery. That’s right. I was going to have to have brain surgery. Talking about luck. Brain surgery was in June and it went perfect to say the least. I got two tumors taken out and most of my deficits (facial droop, weakness) were automatically gone. The only thing that still gives me a hard time sometimes is my speech. It’s not that you can’t understand me but more that I can’t finish my sentences or make out what I want to say. Sometimes I will start a sentence and then I can’t finish it because I can’t think of the next phrase or word. This causes me a lot of stress and aggravation. I feel like people think I’m stupid, but I know what I want to say but my brain can’t connect with my mouth or just can’t think of the word. This is where too much radiation comes in and the memory loss kicks in. But, the benefit versus the risk is what I have to think of. Living, or forgetting a few words here and there sometimes. Even though it’s super frustrating, I’ll pick the memory loss. The healing process of the craniotomy I thought was going to be tough but it was a piece of cake compared to heart surgery. This leads us to August. 

When August came and I had just gotten over brain surgery, I finally got discharged from Neurosurgery. It’s time to get on the lake and get into the water at last!I finally enjoyed my first weekend at Center Hill Lake. It was perfect. I jumped in the water and it was the greatest thing ever. I rolled on to my back in the water and just floated. It was so relaxing I think I fell asleep for a second. Then the little fish started having lunch on my back, so I started swimming around. That weekend I felt normal again. We didn’t talk about cancer, treatments, or next appointments. We just had a day with family and friends like old times. I loved it. Then the week started again and it was time to have my routine 3 month CT scans to check the body for the big C. So I had my scan and met the oncologist, and she said everything looked good but we would wait for the final read. That was Monday, and Thursday came and the final read came about 8 pm.

Cancer was back in my heart. 

The worst possible news I think I could hear. I’m lucky that I’m friends with my cardiology-oncologist, and I have his contact info. We used to work in the ICU together when he was training. I called him right away and freaked out on him. He calmed me down and said the scan looked odd and he wanted an echo to double check. I actually for once that year had planned an actual two-day getaway to Gatlinburg with my family. He told me to go and not stress. He said we have been through this once and we’re not 100% sure if it’s anything. So we scheduled an ECHO for the following Monday and we went to Gatlinburg with the news of a possible tumor in my heart once again. I hadn’t felt any flutters, skipped beats, or bouts or racing, so maybe it was just a fluke on the scan after all. Knowing that I hadn’t had any of those symptoms gave me a little bit of peace. Well the weekend passed and we had a great but wet time in Gatlinburg. It rained most of the time, but we got to see lots of wildlife and do things that I hadn’t done since childhood. 

Back to reality. Monday came and I went and got the ECHO. Luckily nothing showed up and my heart showed that it was strong. I was so relieved. God once again was watching over me. During these past couple of months, my Aunt Jo had been diagnosed with Cancer as well. We share our journey together, and even though they are different, we are still connected through our blood and faith. Aunt Jo and I would talk a lot during her treatment about our feelings and how we felt, and the Bible and how it related to what we were going through. Sometimes we would complain, sometimes we would cry, and sometimes we would laugh. But in August she was finishing her chemo treatments and was going to ring the bell, so me and mom went to celebrate and watch her ring the bell. It’s a big milestone for when you get to do that because some people don’t make it that far. Well, during the waiting period of her getting her last chemo round, I got a phone call from the Cardiac MRI department that I was scheduled to get a Cardiac MRI the next day and I need to be there at 6am. It was strange because my cardiac MRI was scheduled 2 months later. I agreed to come and just thought “this is a God thing and I need it.”

So the next day I showed up and got the cardiac MRI. Me and Mom went out to eat after and shopped around the mall a little. I felt pretty good but a little nervous because somehow I got pushed to the front of the line and no one told me why. We got home at about 6 that night. Mom and I were sitting in the living room talking about life and how crazy it had been when I got a call from Vandy. I picked up the phone immediately and with hesitation in my voice I said hello. On the other line was my Cardiology doctor with news that shattered my heart. The first scan was right and the MRI confirmed it. The cancer was back in my heart. The tears started to roll down my cheeks like a dam that just opened. Questions were rattling my brain and mom was screaming what was wrong. I could barely get it out to tell her. She started to break down with me. We knew what this meant and at the same time we didn’t know. We finally got control of our emotions to ask what the next steps were. Group discussions with the team and then a doctor’s appointment to decide the plan of care the next day. So we headed to Nashville bright and early. 

I already had it in my mind that I was going to have to have “the talk” with my doctors. This was the end. We did all that we could. I had put up a good fight. We got to the room and the doctor walked in and I started crying. She asked why I was crying. I responded I know we have to have “the talk”– the end of life talk. She goes, “No why would you think that? We are nowhere close to having that talk unless you want to stop treatment.” I was like no, but what are we going to do about this heart tumor again? She said, “I already talked to Dr. Shah and he said if you are up for it, he’ll do the surgery next week.” I said, “Sign me up.” So the next week I had my second open heart surgery and my second major surgery in two months. 

I haven’t told anyone this ever, but during my heart surgery– I’m guessing it was when they turned on the bypass machine and stopped my heart or at least I wanna think that was when it happened– I did dream or visit the pearly gates of Heaven. They were Gold like I’ve never seen before and y’all,I don’t even know what to compare them to. They had a street of gold going to them but not yellow Gold. It was like a white gold that sparkled like a diamond. The sun was shining so bright through clouds that surrounded everything and the streets twinkle like the stars at night. I know this was crazy to observe, but it was so clean, not a speck of dirt. It was so peaceful just to look at. The architecture was magnificent. Michelangelo couldn’t even create something so significant as these pearly gates. As I stood at the foot of the gates looking up at the beauty there was music playing. Not very loud but it was harps if I remember correctly. It was soothing and soft. All I remember is that the clouds constantly moved, the music played and I just looked at the gates in awe. I didn’t really know if they were going to open or not but I just sat there with a look of peace and that’s what I felt. I felt peace the whole time. Then the next thing I knew I was gagging on a breathing tube in the ICU.  Me being me, I thought this surgery was going to be like my first open heart where I flew right through it and was walking laps the same day. No, I had another thing coming, that was for sure. I didn’t realize how much my body was deconditioned from the chemo, surgeries, and all the cancer. So this open-heart kicked my butt. I’m still having issues from it with fluid overload, shortness of breath when I walk or going up stairs.

Finally about six weeks out, at the end of September I started to feel somewhat better and I needed to do something normal and hang out with my friends. I had been in the house or at Vandy and hadn’t really seen my friends in a long time. My friends were going to watch the Titans games at Colin’s house, so, mom drove me over there. We all had chili while watching the game, laughed and talked. My right arm/shoulder area had been hurting for a couple of weeks but I just thought I pulled something while getting up or I was still sore from surgery where they position you in a weird way. I was sitting in the low swivel chair that I usually sit in. The game was almost over and I needed to shower because I had a Vandy appointment the next day to be cleared by cardiac surgery. I texted mom to go ahead and come get me. I was going to go to get from the chair and use my arms for leverage and when I did my right arm snapped in half right below my shoulder. It’s kind of funny because Colin says you broke my chair because it sounded just like wood snapping in half. I looked up and looked at my arm and was like nope, that was my arm. I don’t think I saw a deer in head lights have eyes that wide as his when he saw my arm. 

I started to freak out a little because I never broken a bone before and then the pain had set in and the adrenaline had worn off. Mom was on her way so I just ran out the house and everyone followed and waited for her. She got there in disbelief at what happened. I hopped in the car and shouted for the ER. We got Xrays and confirmed a complete pathological fracture of the right humerus neck. So, the bone broke because cancer was in the bone. Once again the cancer had spread now from heart to brain to bone. I got put into a sling and the next day I got in with Vandy ortho-oncology after I got released by Cardiac surgery. The Ortho doctor got new x-rays and the cancer was pretty big in size. The tumor was about the size of a golf ball and the bone broke all the way through. Unfortunately the only way to fix it was surgery. Again I was signed up for surgery the next week. I had an ORIF of my right humerus neck. The surgeon put 11 screws, cement and one plate into my arm. Then I got radiation to get all the cancer that he possibly left in there out. So we are hoping no more cancer in the arm! 

Boy, though, I can tell you that breaking a bone, surgery, and bone radiation does not feel good at all. I took two pain pills for my craniotomy in the hospital and none when I got home. I think I took two for my open heart surgery when I got home, but with this arm surgery I had to take pain medicine for a while. I don’t know if it was the combination of the cancer, and surgery, but it hurt even thoughI have a pretty high pain tolerance. 

From June till December has been hard though, not just physically but emotionally too. I have had three major surgeries that some people wouldn’t even have in their lifetime in the matter of five months. Luckily I have an amazing mother to help me physically with my medical needs and emotional needs too. She’s always there to lift me up. That’s one thing I’ve learned this year: you have friends and family that say they will be there for you but after the shock wears you wont see or hear from them. Then you have your true friends who will be with you through thick and thin. They may or may not call everyday or you may not see them for a month or two but when times are hard they’ll be there when you need them. 

I’m lucky to have a community, friends, and church family that supports me through everything. When I say community I mean a state, not just Woodbury. I mean people from all over. The love and support I receive is a true testament of God. I really can’t remember the beginning of the year. I don’t know if its because of my memory or if it’s because these last 6 or 7 months have been so hard. With my cancer getting worse and my insurance being canceled. Dad being diagnosed with colorectal cancer. I feel like we’ve ended our year worse than how it started. The one thing I’ve learned though is all that is going on with our family and all the bad that has happened we have to trust in the Lord that He will get us through the rough times. Then we need to celebrate the good times while we have them and enjoy our time with the family! Whatever happens we will get through it. We have so far! We are a strong family and we might fight a little but we stick together and support each other. We will make it through these rough times and come out on top. So goodbye 2024 and hello 2025! We pray that 2025 will give us a little more grace!