It’s been a long time since I have written anything. I don’t know if I’ve been trying to avoid it because I’ve not had anything to write about or if it’s because I’ve been in the hospital having surgery after surgery after surgery. I don’t know if I’ve just become accustomed to having bad news given to me over and over again or I just don’t pay attention to what the doctor says anymore. Really I think I just ignore it all and just go along with this life and whatever life hands me. I just take it for what it is. 

I think that’s one thing that God has given me– a knowing that no matter what life throws at me, it’s all gonna work out okay. While it sucks at the time being, in the end it’s all gonna be okay. 

Lately my thoughts have been just kind of all over the place. One day it’s a routine of trial and error for treatment and managing my body, and the next day it’s me wishing the cancer would just go ahead and take me and take the suffering and pain away. Because honestly, I’m tired of dealing with this. I know I just have to believe that it’s gonna get better at some point because if it doesn’t, it will just eat me alive. The thought of just living to only get worse is the definition of torture, and I think torture is the worst thing that a person can live through. I look back at the things I’ve gone through already, and I wonder how I have even lived through them. Like how can someone live through 34 brain tumors, two strokes, two heart surgeries, a brain surgery and arm surgery now and still walk and talk and laugh and have enjoyment in life? But I have done it.

All I can think of is that the Lord gave me the life I have because some people can never live through that and have the ability that I have to do the things that I do. Today my physical therapist came to reevaluate me after I broke my arm, and she’s never met me before. We got to talking, and I don’t think that she read through my whole chart before setting eyes on me, because as I was telling her about my story, she was wide-eyed and said, “You don’t look like what you’re… what you’re explaining and what you’ve been through.” “No,” I said, “I’ve never looked like what my story and chart say about what my body should be.” The only way that I can explain it is prayer and the good Lord giving me many chances to live and fulfill a purpose that I haven’t figured out yet. I’m guessing that’s what ‘s best is the prognosis or my type of cancer. I haven’t fulfilled my purpose yet. In the past five months I’ve had (more times than I can count) plenty of prayers or talks with Jesus about my purpose here on Earth. I still haven’t gotten the answer. He’s holding out on the answer for some reason. It’s really hard to wait, but I know the timing will be right and the answer will come at the right moment. 

Back to the healing and treatment. I know my healing might not happen and I’ve come to terms with that. I’ve been fighting cancer for two years come December 8, 2022. It’s been a long, tough, excruciating battle and when I started this I knew that it was probably going to kill me. I’ve tried every route of medicine so far and most of them haven’t worked, but I am still fighting and I will till my last breath on this Earth. Not for me, but for my family. My family knows when it comes time what my wishes are, and I know they’ll honor them even if it’s hard for them to do it. For now, though, my fight is still strong, my humor is still there, and my love is loving life. As the time gets harder, my prayers get longer and stronger. The days I appreciate most are the ones when I have nothing to do and no plan. I get to sit and take in fresh air and dream about lives I could have had, did have, or will have. Maybe I can have some of those dreams come true one day!