Hello Jesus, 

I don’t know if this is a “cool” thing to do or an a “appropriate” thing to do, but for me I feel like it’s the way I can actually talk to You properly and pray and mean it. When I pray like we do in church I get so distracted if it’s in the daytime. Other thoughts will come into my head or someone will interrupt me etc. At night when I lay down to and start to pray I can barely get through my first sentence before I’m out like a light. I always say praying makes me so calm that it puts me to sleep, but I still should finish my prayers. Or I won’t pray at all. 

So, I thought I need to get in a prayer habit even if its quick but something that I do often and I know I can do quickly. Well, that one thing is write. I write a lot and quickly. So, I decided that I should start writing my prayers if they are short, long, praying for people, myself, family, asking whys and why nots, anything and everything. It might not be a written form every time, but my Notes app is always there for me. But yeah, Jesus, I figured since I wasn’t good at saying my prayers, I would be excellent at typing them. Bring the technological world to the Holy world. 

Enough of explaining myself and coming up with excuses for my lousy praying. 

Jesus, it’s been a month, well, we will say year. I thought the craniotomy was going to be the worst thing I was going to have to go through and now another open heart surgery. I feel like I’m really being tried here. Is it my faith? Am I being a modern day Job? Am I not being faithful enough and being tried again to have more faith in You? I know I struggle many times and my faith grows weak. Everytime I hear bad news my faith takes a hit. I don’t lose it, but it does shrink a little. I have to really focus on scripture to bring it back up, but it takes a lot for me to get back in the word. I think I just want to see a big WOW moment of healing or what I think I need to be handed, which I know is not what I’m going to get. It’s the human part that takes over and the temptation of the devil. 

I hear this all the time about how Christians are fast food Christians. They ask and they want fast. They can’t ask and wait for the right timing. I guess I’m a fast food Christian. I’m trying learn to not be and have patience and wait for the right timing. It’s hard when you’re sick though. So Jesus I come asking for patience in this disease process and treatment. Give it to me and my family because it’s hard and scary to wait sometimes for answers. Also, I go in today for another open heart surgery. You already know it’s the second one within less than two years and the second major surgery within 2 months. So nervous is an understatement. 

I just have a feeling about this that its going to be a little harder for everyone around. I just wish You would give me a sign that everything is going to be ok and everything is going to go smoothly. I’ve had a lot of health stuff since my first one, so the surgery and recovery is going to be more difficult. So just guide and direct Dr. Shah, doctors, nurses, and surgical staff taking care of me while in the hospital and afterwards. Just let there be no side effects, minimal pain, and deficits from the surgery cardiac or neuro wise. Pray for my family who will have to help afterwards with recovery. I just really want this surgery to go smoothly. I just hope that me coming off from chemo doesn’t let the brain tumors grow wild. I don’t think my memory can handle more radiation. Jesus just give me the strength that you had on that cross taking all the pain and suffering of all of sins to go through this cancer. To the very end make me a strong, courageous fighter. 

Sometimes I just want to give up and lay in the bed. I know it’s ok to lay in the bed sometimes, but this disease sucks the life out of you and no one understands. So, it’s hard to even share the feelings you’re having. Jesus just give me the courage to make it day after day. For the people I love, for me, and for the people who will come into my life in the future. Let me know how blessed my life is going to be in future so I have something to look forward to.  

Thank you Jesus, Amen.