The tears come often more than I would like. 

They come at times when I least expect them and at times when I expect them the most. Sometimes I refuse to go places because I know when I go I will not be able to hold back the river of emotions. I know the emotions will flood like a tsunami and drown everyone. Sometimes I like the emotions because they ground me. But most of the time the emotions remind me that my life is different from everyone else’s. 

Some days, cancer hits me really hard mentally and emotionally. I get to a place where I feel numb to cancer and life. I feel like death can’t come soon enough because I’m tired, struggling with what cancer leaves as a souvenir. I see couples happy in public and jealousy sets in, or I hear stories about people making a stink about situations that don’t even matter and have no meaning to life. Then, something small will happen. I’ll read a poem about the meaning of life, a TikTok of my favorite song comes across the screen, Hendrix will draw me something, a friend will text, or I’ll listen to a sermon that reminds me of life’s purpose. Something will give me hope or some type of encouragement to keep on fighting. The enjoyment of life comes flooding back and I wanna live again! 

I see people out in public often, and they always tell me, “You are such an inspiration, the way you stay positive in life. You go through so much and still have such a great attitude.” What most of them don’t know is that I usually go home and cry and ask “why”. They don’t realize that it’s because of THEM that I’m as positive as I am. If people weren’t so encouraging, I don’t know if I would be here. Everyday is a mental and emotional struggle to deal with this disease. Some days it takes every bit of the physical, mental, and emotional energy I have left just to even get out of my bed…but that’s one thing I promised myself and my doctors that I would never do no matter what is stay in bed during my cancer diagnosis. If I can’t move I have someone lift me out of my bed and carry me to a chair or a couch or somewhere else beside my bed. 

I have to say tears and emotions are high right now, but that’s ok. Sometimes I feel like they’re needed for healing. If you see me with sunglasses on and it’s cloudy or dark outside, just ignore them and know that it’s just part of my “treatment” for my cancer. At this point if you wanna cry with me, grab a box of tissues and we can turn some sad music on and feel every bit of it and just cry! I’m just following the Great Physician’s Order and trying to heal right now.