Fast forward to June and July, and I was ready for the beach. I had an opportunity to go with my big family, cousins included, and I was all set for sun, sand, and with a whole new appreciation for life. I was having a complete blast, but something kept feeling just a little bit off. There were times that my brain was foggy and I had things I wanted to say, but I just couldn’t get the words out. I was frustrated but kept it to myself and blamed it on “chemo brain.” It kept getting worse, but no one noticed it so I didn’t bring it up. I had already worried everyone so much that I didn’t want to be a burden, especially on vacation where everyone is supposed to be having fun. I just ignored it.

August quickly approached and I was cleared to be back at work by August 10th. I was so excited to go back, NOT as a patient this time, but a nurse. I have always loved my job and taking care of people is my passion, and I was ready to slip back into that role on the other side of things. But I could have never predicted just what was going to happen in my life next. On August 5th, my aunt passed away from an extended illness and our world fell apart. I’ve mentioned my family before, but if you know anything about us personally, you know just how close we all are. This was absolutely devastating, and we were crushed and just heartbroken for our family, her family, her kids, everyone. I had already started developing some emotional problems alongside the brain fog, and that was just more than I had the strength to stand up to that day. I had a breakdown and something switched. I turned into a completely different person. I was angry, yelling, and upset- completely out of character. Mom knew something was wrong because I had never acted like that before. I just threw out that maybe I was mad my aunt had died and I just went through cancer, but she knew it was more than that. But we had a major situation to deal with, so she just kept an eye on me as we had to map out next steps for the family. We made it to my grandmother’s house to start planning and making arrangements, and try to get a little food in us. My aunts and some cousins were all there to help out, because that’s what we do in my family. We all show up and try to help out as much as we can and get through the hard parts. I knew I needed to apologize to mom for being so upset and not myself. I turned to say the words to her, but nothing would come out of my mouth but weird little noises. I looked at her in a panic, grabbed my head, and tried to speak. What little came out didn’t even make any sense. Our world fell apart again.

I was having a stroke.

Everyone started freaking out and running around trying to find a phone to call 911. I was trying to kick into my nurse duties and get a blood sugar reading and blood pressure cuff. My aunts were praying over me and mom was just crying. I finally got everyone somewhat calmed down and we got 911 on the phone and en-route. Finally, after what felt like 30 minutes, the ambulance came. I was able to walk and got on the stretcher and they got me into the ambulance. They worked on gathering my vitals, doing neuro checks, and EKGs. They knew it was serious, so they had already called LifeFlight to meet us at the hospital. All I could think about was that I was 28, had open heart surgery, cancer, and now a stroke. I didn’t think that it could be cancer causing the stroke. I must just be one lucky person. I arrived at Vandy via helicopter and was code-stroked straight to the ER. They sent me immediately to the CT scan where I was evaluated, and it was confirmed that I had two massive brain bleeds from brain metastasis. It WAS cancer causing the stroke, and my cancer was back with a vengeance! The very thing we had prayed wouldn’t happen came true. In just three short months I was in Stage 4 and it was terminal. I was at Vandy for four days in the Neuro ICU. I had multiple CTs, MRIs, and EEGs. The doctor came by and my cancer had spread to my brain. I had seven (SEVEN!) brain tumors that had bled and caused me to have a hemorrhagic stroke. They talked about doing brain surgery to fix the bleeds and take out the tumors but the neurosurgeon felt like it would cause more deficits. That plan was scrapped and they opted for radiation instead. 

Before I left the hospital I was fitted for my radiation mask, put on tons of steroids and seizure meds, was told I couldn’t drive for six months, and that I couldn’t go back to work or stay alone. Talk about a kick in the gut! Mom thought I was crazy upset before, but that was just the warm-up. I was furious! I was mad at God for allowing this to happen, I was mad at myself because I knew something wasn’t right and I ignored it, I was just mad at the world! The stroke had literally taken everything away, I felt like. It took my voice, my independence, my ability to control my emotions and my career. I felt like I was given a death sentence and all I was doing was waiting to die. I was so frustrated about everything, and I wanted a second opinion, so I called the number one sarcoma hospital in the world, MD Anderson in Houston, TX. Unfortunately, the soonest they could get me in was October 6th, but I scheduled the appointment anyway and waited. 

Between August the 5th and October the 6th, so much more happened. I started radiation, had two more brain bleeds, and 14 more tumors showed up. That brought my count up to 21 brain tumors and three brain bleeds. I had three more rounds of radiation before finally heading to Texas and I was over all of it. I got to Texas and spent 14 days down there to come back with nothing in the end. They had no treatments that I hadn’t already tried, but they offered me a clinical trial. Only I turned out not to be a candidate in the end because of my brain metastasizing. So, I came back and started my last treatment option, immunotherapy. My oncologist explained that this was the last treatment option before we went back to chemo for comfort and time. This crushed me. Knowing that this was my last option before death was beyond any devastation I had felt so far. I mean, I thought about death, but I just felt like I wasn’t there yet. 

I was sick, but I still had a little bit of fight left in me. I wasn’t done yet.