You talk about being pissed off? The Blanton family has been pissed off for a while. I’m pretty sure for the whole month of July. 

I think if you talk to any of us, especially me, you can tell we could probably spit nails. And who could blame us? We always try to make the best out of everything. Mom and Dad are better at it than I am. If Dad doesn’t wanna talk about things, he just says he needs to do “house work.” But, it hasn’t rained in a month of Sundays. You can’t mow a yard that many times. Mom’s pretty much an open book– she will tell the same story five million times, but it’s her therapy so most of the time I just let her, and it keeps her from chomping on gum like a cow chomping grass (my new annoyance of hers). 

As for me, I’m tired of cancer and everything about it. I’m sick of the word, I’m sick of doctors that act like they give a shit, I’m sick of scans, sick of medicines that they say will help but don’t, and I’m sick of people telling me that I’ll be healed because I’m not going to be. It’s just a matter of time that this freaking disease takes me over and I lose. I feel it taking over every day. I wake feeling weaker and weaker. I get looks from every doctor now, and they tell me “We don’t know” and “Your cancer is so rare and we just haven’t seen it and hopefully this will work, give us more time.”

More time just means a matter of when we run out of options. It makes me so mad. I don’t know why, because I knew the day that I found out that I had Intimal Sarcoma on Dec.16, 2022, that I would die in probably 2-3 years. I knew my time was limited and that it was not going to be a very healthy 2-3 years. It was going to be tough and I was going to have to fight to live even that long. So, I don’t know why I am so pissed off at everyone, but I am. I take my anger out on anyone I can. Anyone who will give me a reason to argue with them about anything. I think it’s just that I know it could be soon. Then I get to thinking about all the things that I haven’t done in life and cry for hours. I haven’t seen the Grand Canyon, Ireland, The Alps, Maine, or Hawaii. Then I see friends, family, and strangers visit these places and do fun things and plan trips and do things on the weekends. 

It’s such a strange relationship. I love everyone’s pictures, but I do get jealous even though I know I physically can’t even visit these places and do these things because I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without getting short of breath. Or having a seat to recover or sit 3-4 hours with my legs down without getting pitting edema and pain. People see me and think I look good but they don’t realize my body is failing me and failing me fast. I can’t even take the treatment that the doctor thinks I need because she says my body can’t handle it. I’m too weak. That’s why I’m madder than hell. 

I’m slowly dying and can’t do anything about it but sit here and just wait till my day comes. This is the time I need to pray to Jesus the most, but it’s so hard to. I don’t want to pray. So, most of my prayers are that. “Jesus I don’t know what to pray, but You know my heart. Help me be humble, kind, and more like You.” I need that more than ever right now because I am bitter-hearted. Sometimes I feel like I have the right to be, but then I know it’s all part of a plan that I know nothing about but I just have to trust. I wish He would show me and my family a little glimpse of the ending to give us a little peace, because right now we are broken hearted.