What do you say to people who have just been diagnosed with cancer, going through cancer treatment, or any illness that you really can’t see? No one really knows until you’re that person who is diagnosed. I’m a nurse, and I thought I really knew what to say to people who were sick. Boy was I wrong, and I truly regret some of the stuff I’ve told patients the past seven years of being a nurse. 

When I got diagnosed with cancer, people became uncomfortable talking to me. I could feel anxiety coming off them like a strong stench of BO. I don’t know if it was because I was only 27, because it is such a rare cancer, or it was just a normal reaction to a cancer diagnosis. But I could definitely tell. Some people said the right things. Things that brought comfort, a sense of support, and even a little laughter.

But some people said things that made me want to drop kick them in the throat. 

So, I’m going to share with you what NOT to say and things you SHOULD say to people who are diagnosed with cancer, or any illness for that matter. If you’ve said any of these things that I’m going to mention, don’t be upset– I’m not calling you out, I just don’t want you to say it again or I will start naming names.. Haha just kidding! I forgive you and still love you! 

1. “I think you’re faking being sick because you look so good!”

OMG! What a crazy thing to say to someone who is fighting for their literal life!. People tell me this all the time, and before I found the Lord again I would picture myself punching them in the nose every time they said it. I know you are trying to lighten the mood and give a compliment, especially because I am such a handsome guy, but come on! Not even a little helpful. Even though someone might not look like they are sick, don’t say this. I might not physically look sick (some days I look better than others) but on the inside I probably feel like a bag full of dog crap on fire. For me, when people say this, I feel like my cancer and illness are not legitimate and I start having thoughts like “I need to get over myself” or “I’m making a big deal of this.” I start questioning if people might not believe me when I say I don’t feel good. 

I always want to rip a comeback like, “Oh good I thought I looked as tired as you look,” but I can’t be that mean so I usually just say, “I look better then I feel.” To me, a good thing to say if someone DOES look well is, “You look really good, but how do you feel emotional, physically, and spiritually?” It covers all the main subjects and lets people know you really care how they feel. They might lie and say “I’m ok” while still feeling like that bag of dog crap, but at least they know you care. 

2. Think twice before comparing cancer stories or telling someone you know what they are going through.

 I know it is so easy to compare your great grandma Edna’s melanoma cancer that she got at 89 to my terminal intimal sarcoma diagnosis at 27 years old, but try to hold back on that. I’ve had so many people try to relate with me about my diagnosis, comparing it to their grandparents who are 80. Yes, we both have cancer, but these are totally different situations and lives. I mean, some days I feel like I’m in my 80s, but it is definitely not comforting to have my situation related to people who are closer to the end of their long lives than I am. I’m making it one day at a time, and I’m sure Grandma Edna is too– just understand that we are not the same.

As a rule, I do not compare my cancer diagnosis with anyone who has had cancer or is currently battling it. Why, you ask? Because everyone’s story is different, even if they have the same cancer. I don’t know what it is like to have kids and have cancer and still have to care for them. I don’t want to know what that is like. I don’t want to know what it’s like to just retire thinking you’re just about to enjoy the retirement life of traveling around the world and enjoying your morning coffee on the porch instead of your office. Having to work for 30 plus years to just get it taken away because you now have to fight cancer. I’m sure people don’t want to be 29 and have a strong possibility of not making it to their 30th birthday because of terminal cancer, either. 

Also, definitely don’t say you know what a cancer patient is going through. This makes me so mad when people say this to me. NO, YOU DO NOT! You’ll never know and you’ll never want to know. SO NEVER say that to anyone about anything related to their illness, treatment, mental and emotional anguish, or circumstances. JUST NO! 

3. Don’t say, “If you need anything, just call me.”

I won’t.

Those of us battling cancer or some other serious illness don’t want to call you! We want you to show up and be a true friend. Even if they say, “ I don’t need anything” or “I’m good,” just ignore them and show up. We feel lonely and like a burden anyways because now we have to rely on people to do things we previously could do for ourselves. Sometimes showing up and surprising us means more than anything. One of my favorite surprises are coffee and cards. Sometimes I wake up and people have brought me my favorite coffee, an iced caramel macchiato, and just left it on my porch. It means the world to me and knowing someone thought of me without reaching out. I always hated cards growing up. I just thought they were unnecessary and a waste of money and space, but once I got sick cards meant the world to me. I love the thought people put into my cards. Everyone knows I’m crazy about my Golden Bertie so I get so many Golden Retriever cards. Surprisingly there’s a lot out there because I’ve never got the same one. Even Bertie sends me cards herself!  

It’s always ok to say, “I don’t know what to say but I’m here and always will be.” But, don’t say anything if you truly don’t mean it either. It truly shows your real colors if you say you’ll be there and you’re not. It’s better not to say anything at all. On the flip side of that, don’t ever NOT say something because you feel awkward or anxious that you might say something wrong. If you feel like that then just say this: “Hey, I’m checking on and you don’t have to respond, text, or call, but I just want you to know you crossed my mind today and I felt like I needed to tell you that you are in my prayers today and I love you!” This one message can make a difference in someone’s day. Just say what you would want someone to say to you if you were in their situation. 

You don’t have to bring physical things, presents, or coffee, but even a good text message can make someone’s day. I saw a sermon about depression the other day, and it said that as Christians we needed to be there for people who are going through a hard time. The preacher went on to say that it is proven that giving 8 minutes of your undivided attention can make someone feel happiness. Eight minutes! That’s all it takes to make someone happier. I spend eight minutes scrolling through TikTok. I will give up 8 minutes of my day to make someone else feel better and happier! 

Everyone’s journey is different and that’s what I find beautiful about life. There’s no need to compare your journey to someone else’s and no need to be afraid to communicate with and support those in your life battling cancer or other life-threatening illnesses. Just show love, compassion, and true friendship no matter what walk of life people are on.